The Wheel Has Stopped

... I don't know how else I should say it, but the Wheel has definitely stopped.

I have been observing my past journals on DA and apparently this time of the year has always been the time when The Wheel completely stops for me. I don't want to do anything - commissions are stacking, half-done jewelries are stacking, I tried to finish one concept and ended up with another, I spent most of my times in chat rooms talking to fellow Tarotiers or doing personal chats with my besties, I have abandoned my store for now and really refused to do anything. I don't know why - it has always been the same from year to year, starting from a regular rant to definite disturbing dreams, hate towards people who I would normally not consider as annoying, etc etc. I start to believe that these two months (June and July) is the ultimate months when I would feel so tired, after trialing and trying in the first half of the year. 

So basically what I do now is to chat - and to browse for Tarot decks to buy. I was once a Reader (made myself available for reading), but now not anymore. Reading people feels so tiring eventually and I reserved the readings for personal uses only. I have been a Tarotier ever since I was 9 - a very young age - and my Rider-Waite Tarot grew with me right until the point when I decided that I don't want to read for the masses anymore, in late 2009. I don't fear Tarot, to me they are just intricate symbols that could decipher thoughts instead of "fortunetelling" like most people thought. Tarot cannot predict the future much more than what I can say logically about oneself, and even when people think that it is so (that it is fortunetelling), I have been around it long enough to realize that it is just your mind, your conclusions, and your intuitions - and that everything can just change in one snap of a finger if God wants them so. However, I love seeing how the decks have developed over the course of 8 years, and I am thinking about collecting some. I started buying decks again in 2014 just for the sake of the pics (because I already know the deciphering by heart), and now I got my eye on some of the decks made by ... fellow Deviants! LOL. I bought the Revelations deck made by Zach Wong (who is actually a Deviant with awesome work), and his deck is also awesome. The pics on the cards provoke inspirations and I am aiming to add more decks to my collection. I am also aiming to buy Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's deck (The Shadowscapes) - also awesome work but I am still thinking about it. They don't function like my gems and I certainly cannot sell them back. My first owned Rider-Waite is still (sort of) intact (box is gone, book is gone, cards are old because of time), the even older Rider-Waite that I had was gone in 1997 (lost inside a bus). Am not planning to give them up because they are a part of me nonetheless - the one thing that taught me about deciphering and the one entertainment I had during my friendless days.

My Wheel of Fortune has stopped turning completely in June, every June (don't believe me, read my past journals - June and July are always filled with rants and complaints), and I am floating in obliviousness at the moment. I read my past journals and found that I could go back to coloring, or do like tons of other stuff like catching up on my Stephen King readings and my awaiting Mythology: Illustrated Journey book (and Marketing books, strategies books ... actually I love to read and I got tons of unread books). I can also do tons of online shopping (to regret it later LOL), clean my workshop (again - there is a momma cat who just gave birth there in my workshop LOL - so the cleaning will have to be done carefully to not scare the babies). But no, I MUST NOT DO jewelries at this point - if I am still pushing it, means that I am not learning from my past mistakes. I created most hideous designs at this time of the year - mainly because I couldn't put my mind into it and yes my mind feels like scattered most of the times these days, waiting to be picked up or even kick about by some wretched soul that came across it. OK, I have learned enough not to push it this time. Lay off Instagram, lay off Facebook, try to maintain online presence using any means possible other than creating new pieces, and just sit back and rest. 

Oh that intention feels good and reads good too.
Yes, just sit back and "do nothing" in my version, that would be great ... sounds great too.

I think I should come up with a strategy for next year so that this lethargic, non-motion, tired, oblivious months does not bother me and does not hamper my creativity either. Like for instance, creating as much as I can during my productive months and then sit back and enjoy the comments, analyzing the flow, and "do nothing" in June and July. Sounds like a plan ... 10 months of productivity and 2 months of resting period is way better than to force myself to finish stuff half-heartedly.

Well so I will disappear for a while - perhaps you will read more journals of me instead of seeing my work - but, bear with me. Every good artists need to lay off work for a while, even writers saved their past works during their productive days to be let out during their lethargic months (an idea from Bag of Bones, Stephen King). I am just going to reserve my energy for translation work. 

~see ya around.